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I feel I am losing my child to the Finnish culture…

11/3/2014

24 Comments

 
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"When my son comes home from school, I feel he is wearing a mask. He's not himself, and he doesn't communicate much with me. It takes a while for him to open up and talk, especially about what he is feeling."
"In my country we express ourselves affectionately, with hugs and kisses for all the children, not just our own. Our teens are the same. Boys and girls easily play with the babies and young kids. Here it just seems there is such a distance between all the ages, and I am afraid that my children may never experience that openness that I grew up with, which was so important for me."
After hearing these kinds of concerns from more than a few of my friends, and having experienced some similar issues with my son, I started to reflect more deeply on what the cause of such problems might be, and to discuss it with both my Finnish and foreigner friends. Although any problem usually has many roots, causes and facets, I noticed the words most repeated in our conversations were these: Independence and Freedom.

Independence - Is it always a positive thing?
In Finland we promote and encourage the independence and individuality of children and youth. "He is very independent!", one mother says of her son. She says it with pride. 

Of course, no one will argue the fact that independence has very many good and important points. It encourages development of the personality. It teaches practical skills. It builds self-confidence and self-esteem. And, let's face it - it makes life a lot easier for the parents, especially if both are working outside of the home. But is independence in a child always a good thing? Often when I have asked this question, it has been waved away with a, "Oh, but they can do this very well, it's not difficult for them!" But, if a child is able to do something independently, does that automatically make it good for them? 

"I used to walk with my three-year-old son in the forest, and young school age boys would ask if they could come with us, or they would just follow us, and chat with us as we went along. I understood from these situations that their parents were not yet home from work, and that the children were home alone after school. I understood that these children were feeling lonely."

Antti has a smartphone, why can't I have one?
It is common habit for young people to compare their own situations with their peers. They question why they cannot do certain activities, or have certain things, as their friends do. With regards to permissiveness, there can oftentimes be a stark contrast between Finnish and other cultures. This can be difficult for parents of intercultural families. 

To adapt, or not to adapt? To compromise or to stand firm? 
While we don't wish to isolate our children from the others, at the same time we sometimes just cannot reconcile ourselves to allowing something we feel goes against our values and what we believe to be good parenting. One has to make such decisions nearly every day. 

The issues may range from simple to quite complicated: 
One couple wish to teach their child respect for elders, and they feel it very strange to hear the children address their parents and teachers by their first names.  
Another mother is reluctant to let her 6-year-old boy play in the neighborhood out of sight, where the other kids are allowed to play, and often after dark. The mother is faced with a difficult choice. In her culture the smaller children are always in the company of an adult. Not only for safety, but for the purpose of guidance, and to nurture their sense of security. 
Some parents don't react if their children talk back at them. Others don't allow it at all.
Some families are very strict, and keep a consistent discipline of behaviour. Others give more space and freedom, allowing the children to do almost anything they want. 

While there is value in the encouragement of independence and the freedom which children are given in Finnish culture, it may have another side which is not conducive to the development of a healthy personality. Also, when independence crosses the line of balance, it may also encourage the child to go against the parents, teachers and other adults. 

When Carlos first came to Finland he was shocked at some of the things he witnessed, such as seeing young children playing at the Central Railway Station by themselves, and pre-teens smoking and drinking. He feels that there are many parents who are not monitoring what their children are doing, and that this is one of the negative outcomes of too much emphasis on independence of children. "There are two extremes," he explains, "In Peru, we tend to have too much authority, too much protection. Here in Finland, for parents and teachers, it is often difficult to get children to do what they're told, and there is no respect."

There is nothing wrong with authority. It helps to set limitations of freedom in a good way. We can use freedom to live a good, healthy and happy life, but we can also use freedom to destroy ourselves. To be guided and taught by those who are older and more experienced can help us to grow into balanced and mature individuals. 

Carlos believes that in a culture that makes children individualistic, these children may not have the opportunity to develop collective values of solidarity, nor a strong sense of civil behaviour, respect, compassion and concern for others. 

Social consciousness on the human level
We have one of the best models of a country in the world with regards to social welfare. But in the areas of social consciousness on the human level, is there something that can be improved? 

We find the most empty seat on the bus away from others, and when someone sits opposite us, we studiously avoid eye contact. 
An obviously pregnant woman stands in a full metro. No one offers their seat.
A mother struggles to get a pram up the steps of a tram by herself. Most of us just look, and maybe then look away. Now on the bus, the baby starts to cry. A teen sitting nearby complains under their breath, "Can you switch it off?" 

"It is different where I come from," Carlos says, "in my country the teenagers will talk with a pregnant lady, very sweetly, smiling, asking when the little one to be born. Here, my Finnish wife, who was pregnant at the time, had the experience that she very kindly asked some teenagers to not use bad language, as there were small children around. They began to attack her verbally, calling her ugly." 

Carlos wonders how he can pass on to his son the good values he was taught, in a culture that at times promotes the opposite. He believes such values to be not only a necessary part of a truly healthy and happy individual, but also essential in becoming a good member of the society. He tries to be optimistic, and makes a few suggestions to other parents sharing a similar situation, "Keep trying to pass on the values. If possible, keep contact with your country by traveling there periodically with your child. Give access to both cultures and compare them in a positive way. Show appreciation of both cultures and try to imbibe and cultivate what is good in both, connecting it with multiculturalism."

Things are almost never black and white. It is difficult to say what would be the solution in trying to preserve the best of both cultures in the children of an intercultural family. Perhaps it could be helpful for parents to sit down together and discuss what each feels are important values from their culture, and how these can be incorporated into the upbringing of their child.

(Michelle Kaila)
24 Comments
Temitayo Oladapo
11/3/2014 06:20:15 am

Thank you so much for the well written article. I agree with you absolutely on the pros and cons on being too rigid or insist in passing your cultural values to your kids.
I grew up in a very conservative and christian environment. As you know there are many languages my parents considered bad words from cursing words to slang. It is unwritten rules to respect your parents, elderly people, mothers, you are not allow to be rude to married women because they believe doing so is tantamount to disrespect her husband.
At home, usually there is a strong unity and we express how we feel to our family.
I am married and we have a 4 years old boy. It is my duty to pass my cultural values to my child but in doing so, it has to be balanced. There are certain part of my culture that doesn't fit in to Finnish society and that is why it has to be balanced. Doing so will help my child to socialize in Finland and connect to our family back at home.

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Michelle
12/3/2014 09:28:05 pm

Dear Temitayo Oladapo, I am glad you enjoyed the article. It is very true, that balance is essential. Though it is a daily challenge to maintain it, for sure, it's well worth it.

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keanne
11/3/2014 04:16:34 pm

Thank you Michelle for this article. These issues are also occupying me daily as a mother of 3, I think it is possibly to keep your own values allive, I even think it s possible to through your children , pass on some of these values to others, but it feels like hard work, every day! Otherwise it s wonderfull our children get to "think, wonder" about the differences between the cultures. Often people just "live" in their culture without even questioning it.

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Michelle
12/3/2014 09:36:20 pm

Dear Keanne, I agree with you! I also believe it is possible to keep our own values alive, wherever we are, by our own example and through teaching our children. It is hard work, but a beautiful one, especially being in a multicultural society where we can also be enriched by so many others' cultures.

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miss sunshine
11/3/2014 06:27:48 pm

I totally agree with what you wrote in this article! I myself have feel and experienced the same, esp. when it's coming down to our 3 year-old boy. I teach him my culture based on its good values but sometimes they just don't work out here where people have different values that they hold dear. For example, the attitude/behaviour of respecting older people/parents, the gesture to be willing to share stuff together, to look after younger/smaller kid when they're playing together. From what I've experienced myself, here children have 'absorb' or been introduced to independency (or furtherly individualism), suspicion to others/strangers and selfishness since in quite early age. The people just get used to them all and just OK for them. As a 'Comer', I see that this is quite something & sometimes couldn't accept it. I hope that when we meet some disappointing or shameful happening because of this cultural difference or how the society responds in our daily life, it won't make us to change our original personality or good values that we are proud of and we could stay as positive people.

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Michelle
12/3/2014 09:55:24 pm

Dear Miss Sunshine, thank you for your comments! I understand your concerns. I have seen in my own experience as a parent and with friends of mine with children, when the teaching is consistent (not always easy), and of course through the example of our own behaviour (also not always easy) it is possible to maintain one's traditional values even in an environment where they may differ, at the same time blending in and being open to adopting new good values of the country.

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Harriet
11/3/2014 08:48:43 pm

Thank you for this article; Reading it, I remembered the exact feelings I had when I attempted to resettle to Finland with my children, having heard all the good things about shcools, social security, etc. I am from Finland but I had never before lived there. It turned out that it was unbearable to me to hear children speak to elderly people without using the polite tense or by using their first names. I felt like a real foreigner and after two years I left because I didn't want my children to adopt these behaviors. I have lived in several countries but have never heard teenagers behaving as rudely as in Finland, cursing older people, spitting at the bus stop, or lying drunk at age 15 in the street on Saturday nights. I returned to the warmer culture I had grown up with and which I want for my own children. It was a great disappointment, but I couldn't adapt that much.

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Michelle
12/3/2014 10:09:56 pm

Dear Harriet, thank you for your honest comment. Some of the things which have been difficult for you to accept are ones which I have heard before from others, and some I have experienced myself. And although there are different problems in every country for sure, one can recognize that there are some which are occasionally too challenging for one who is unaccustomed to them.

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Doona
27/3/2014 09:44:09 pm

I feel exactly the same as Harriet. There is too much cultural permission in Finland to be rude these days. When I used to live in Finland in the olden days, cultural constraints on people were stronger and now it feels there are no limits or boundaries to bad behaviour. No longer expectation of politeness or respectful form of address to elders. It's as if Finns take pride in being rude and swearing. I read one book by a teacher (Maarit Korhonen: Koulun vika) where she recounts modern behaviour and life in Finland; very interesting, but very telling was also her comment that she doesn't want to come across as the old auntie who's always yapping about good manners. My big sigh! This is what I thought has vanished completely from my dear old country. It's the adults and parents job to be boring boundary-giving.

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Hanna
12/3/2014 04:40:57 am

The article says "some parents" and "many parents" but generalises a lot. You have to be careful about that. I haven't met the same peope, I guess. I also think that respect is not essentially a question of pronoun. All the same, I agree there is room for improvement (like in every culture).

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Michelle
12/3/2014 10:20:22 pm

Dear Hanna, thank you for your input. As mentioned in the blog article, nothing is ever black and white. Here we are talking about tendencies, and indeed generalities - there will always be exceptions. I agree with you, that there is room for improvement in every culture - I can tell you a long list of things to improve in my own! And many of which have been improved, through my interaction with Finns.

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Nieminen
13/3/2014 05:30:47 am

Hanna, there are somethings we as Finns needs to let other people tell us, we are not perfect in our culture too. For me you seem to be against the generalization, but in my opinion we have way much freedom in our children than it is supposed to be.

Even our social system and government, has a lot of parental power over parents, that is why when a parent tries to discipline a child, the child threatens a parent to call the police or a social worker. This is a norm in Finland.

I very much agree with this article and I know we have some best elements in our culture and the way we raise our kids, but the "freedom and independence" is too much to be handled by the children and teenagers themselves.

Nice article.

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Brian
13/3/2014 01:36:43 am

What message are you sending to your children by bringing them up in a culture that you do not respect?

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Michelle
13/3/2014 06:20:24 pm

Dear Brian, that's a very good question. If I may share my opinion: One can disapprove of negative aspects of a culture and still respect the positive aspects in it. Indeed, in every culture, there will be both. Also, it is not just the point of respect, but of love. In my time living here, I have grown to love and respect many parts of Finnish culture. When we love something, or someone, we care enough also to know all about the thing, or person. If there is a problem, we try to understand it, and we would like to find out something that can help.
I would like to try teach my children, in whichever cultural environment they are, to imbibe and identify with the positive things of that culture, and to be aware of and understand those parts of the culture which may not be conducive to the development of a healthy personality, and society. But for parents everywhere this can be a daily struggle. We're all learning, and no doubt trying our best!

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Hanna Maenp
13/3/2014 02:32:02 pm

Thank you for the interesting article! I have been thinking about this issue a lot lately as after almost 5 years we are moving back to Finland with my 7 yo son who has lived abroad since he was 3, in a culture that is very protective, that has different concepts of what is respect and what not, very marked gender roles, social norms and many other differences to the Finnish culture. I could not say either that I would be totally at home in the Finnish culture though being a Finn. But at the same time I recognize many good points in it, as from my point of view. Nevertheless, the time will show, if we readapt or not, and how long we will stay.
I think that the key for good development of our children is to have strong and supportive family ties, strong and positive sense of his/her cultural and ethnic identity and good self esteem. Also clarity of the limits and position of the parents or tutors in what comes to the accepted and encouraged behaviours, and the do-nots. I really wish to be able to transmit to my children the values I feel most positive about in the cultures that make part of our day to day life, so they could base their decisions on those values instead of copying without criticism what is around them.

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Michelle
13/3/2014 05:56:19 pm

Dear Hanna Maenp, those are some very good points. Especially what you expressed in your last sentence is so important, and I suppose, that is what we would hope the results of our parenting would be for our children.

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Kikka Coombes
13/3/2014 04:42:07 pm

I am Finnish who is not living in Finland. My husband is Australian and our kid is Australian with Finnish heritage. We have no any relatives living here. I wish to teach our child good Finnish values like females are as important than males, being honest and kind, not lying, meaning what you are saying and hard working. He show respect for older people and his friends too. Learning two cultures is the best thing ever happened to me. In Australia 40 percentage people has atleast one parent coming from other country. Culture influence is huge. There have being so interested writings here, love to know your ideas, how we can pick the best way how to rise the kids. Like somebody wrote, we are thinking this. Sorry my english, it is still very hard to me. Good luck everybody!

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Michelle
13/3/2014 06:14:10 pm

Dear Kikka Coombes, it's wonderful to think that such important values as those, which are very strong in Finland, can spread to other parts of the world, especially through our children. And true, the fact that our attention, as parents, is on these issues, already means a lot. Your English is very understandable - thanks for sharing!

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Kikka Coombes
13/3/2014 04:51:06 pm

By to way, I really agree that Finnish kids are left too early along. Going to empty houses, being there along. They think often in Finland that being independent when they are young is good thing. I think it is not. Finnish parents are so shy to show that they love they kids. Not kisses like so many other countries. There are no ideal country to rise the kids. All countries have their good and bad things.

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Finnish mother of three
22/3/2014 02:05:01 am

Dear all,
I am a Finn and just wanted to remind that what you see in Helsinki meropolitan area or in Helsinki railwaystation is NOT all Finnish culture. It is like judging the whole culture of some other country by just seeing some ares of their cities. I live in a smaller town and have boys aged 16, 19 and 21. They are independent and at the same time very kind and respectful to tohers and even to older people. They call their teachers and grand parents by their first names because it is a norm in Finland... not because they would not feel respect or love towards them. I have always taught them to give a seat to a woman/old people in busses. They open doors to others. They always treat me with respect and give me hugs and kisses even if their friends can see. All my friends have kids of teen age but I have never ever heard any kid to threath their parents tha tthy should call a police. I guess it is not a normal family life thing but rare cases that got space in media? So please don't generalize the whole culture, most of the families, and don't think that metrolpolitan city area is all of Finnish culture or that the kids in the city shopping centres represent all the teenagers of this country.
I am interested in other cultures as well and I do value the value of respecting others and the communal feeling and many other things that collective cultures have. We can learn from others a lot. Helping others and respecting old people are also quite traditional Finnish values as well at least in smaller communities in the country side. If I'd live in two cultures I would try to combine all the values that are best in both cultures :)

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Michelle
30/3/2014 02:28:06 am

Dear Finnish mother of three, that's really wonderful to hear, and you've made a very good point. That's the problem with having to make generalizations. Something will always be missed. I have also met really nice well-mannered young people both in the city and countryside in Finland, but I suppose the aim of this article was to address the other side of things. The whole topic is really so vast and multi-faceted that a book would not be enough to cover it all. Thanks for sharing!

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Average Joe
7/4/2014 07:14:16 pm

Nice article on an interesting subject, My children's grand parents are of Finnish Karelia extraction who have strongly maintained the old original norms of parenting. My wife was brought up with these norms, which of course were no different from the traditional norms I grew up with back in Africa . Our kids automatically acquired these. What I am trying to say here is that we all face different situations based on the kind of physical, and family environment we find ourselves here in Finland. The bottom line is for every person from a different culture living here in Finland to be aware that there is extra work of parenting to do so as to pass to your children those aspects of good attitude that you feel is lacking in your environment. I have always believed in the power of collective action, and have been a supporter of ethnic community organizations. Those who can afford to set up cultural associations for the purpose of imparting some aspects of their culture to their offspring should be encouraged and supported by the system. It is important that kids from other cultures know about their background other than the Finnish one, this will help them understand and be proud of who they are when they grow to the age of facing the unavoidable challenges that will come their way.

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miss sunshine
13/4/2014 01:48:44 pm

Dear Finnish mother of three,
Wooww! Whatta relieving comment of yours! I wish to find more Finnish family like you, as I haven't found ones like this around my neighbourhood in Helsinki. We've been living for 4 years here but we've never talked each other (but saying only 'hi') even with our very next neighbour who has also child in the same age as mine. I'd love to make friends with locals Finnish but sometimes it's so hard for me to get through them, I know we need to be pro-active as it takes long for Finns to be open to strangers but I don't want to seem to be very desperate either, of wanting to have them as my friends. Quite shame & lonely as we don't have any relatives in this city. Last time I came over a small kid to help him from falling down so badly from a skateboard. He screamed & cried so I fulfilled my motherly call to raise him up & checked if he's wounded/bleeding. I happened to have some sweet conversation with him. But what happened was, his mother didn't notice me at all when she came up, threw away her sight from me & finally stared at me with 'that' awkward look, as if I'd done a crime. A 'thank you' would have been polite & respectful instead of being suspicious always in the first place - in order to motivate me doing those such of things (social conciousness) here more.... Anyway, I respect your good achievement in raising your children with those ways & good values you've had. I'm sure it's a very good model for others. I'd love my children to hang out with those who are like your children! I'll have my worries off from the negative influences & problems amongst teenagers with their hard times (bullying, cigarretes, etc). BR.

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Doroteia
4/7/2014 04:00:53 am

Hi! I have been married for 17 years with a Finnish guy, we have 3 daughters. We moved countries a couple of times and 14 years have passed by since we left Espoo. I am surprised and really happy to see the word "values" written so many times!!!! We have just separated and I am finding difficult to come to terms with the lack of family values my ex is showing. He can't understand that there is an emotional crisis for the kids and a transition time for all of us that should be respected. The "control your feelings" or "I don't have any feelings" is so damaging and dangerous for teenagers/ children self-esteem. What I have learned? Please, respect yourself and teach your children to respect themselves and express their emotions in a healthy way. They will respect others and have the capacity to live their lives in full with all the emotional spectrum without fear. Thanks! Good luck!

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